Thursday, July 30, 2015

Rocks on Chests

It's getting to the point where lack of sleep really affects me. Ever since I've moved, it's been a lot easier to not leave work until late. This tend to end up with trying to get in early anyways, just to give off an air of relatively responsibility. This usually ends up with no productive work done before lunch. This stems from not being in before 9 any more. Before 9, there is a reasonable shot at getting one thing done right before lunch. This depends heavily on how much goofing off time that occurs right before. I don't know if it's because of jadedness, or because the short stint I've had at a 9-5. I don't think I've ever pulled off a week of a solid work 9 to 5, but I've made good attempts. Ever since, there's definitely more unproductive time than productive. 

On top of just a regular habit of being lazy, there's also the compounding lack of sleep. The move itself cost some sleep, especially since I was sick for the duration. After the move, the location made the habit of not trying to get out of work at a certain time. Huge lack of sleep around the time I've went on my trip, followed by the incident with the drunk boy. I don't know why I thought leaving work at 2:30am was a good idea. On top of that, running into a boy who looked way too drunk to be able to get home by himself, and instead of trying to gather the money to taxi him back home, I decided to let him stay. This led to one of the biggest clean up I've had to perform, both in terms of actual amount of work, as well as the magnitude of tasks that I've never really had to. The closest cleaning of that extreme is taking care of an underaged student who was in a similar level of drunkenness. 

I guess I've had a relatively good times with not having to deal with my friends being that drunk. If anything, I've had been that drunk more than my friends have (which, to be frank, means once). I mean, I do enjoy the fact that he was a relatively cute boy, with a great body (he does kung fu, and it looks like a little bit of parkour as well). I was very conflicted that night. Whether or not I should actually approach him, whether I should've veered off at my place, whether I should've actually let him stay. Whether I should've enjoyed holding him steady so much. I made sure not to touch him except for when necessary to keep him upright and going in the right directions. But I was still quite conflicted the whole time I had to do it. The guilt did explode a bit when I enjoyed how nice he looked when he took his shirt off. Overall it was still fine, because besides the vomits everywhere, he eventually did just left the couch, and took a piss on the rug. The one I specifically rolled up and put away so that he doesn't puke off the couch onto the rug. I was quite upset, because this was now around 6am, when I was just trying to sleep for a little bit of time now that it looks like he won't asphyxiate on his own vomit. And while he stirred, I woke a little bit, and had a shot of him taking a piss on my rug. I would like to think it's just because I was so sleep deprived that I couldn't actually do anything. To be honest though, even if I had ~6 more hours of sleep, I don't think I would've got the moxie to get up and... well, even now I don't even know exactly what I should've done. Once the stream started going from a drunk guy, is there anything you can do to stop the flow? There's not a whole lot I could've done. Tried to run for the pot that's too heavy for him to hold and puke in, and try to catch the urine stream? If I thought holding him steady was already too abusive, I don't know how out of line it would be to actually see his penis, or even to have to direct it. 

The boy came at a time when I really needed either some help, or some attention. I think the help is probably a much more needed thing. Honestly, I can't believe how screwed up as a person I have been in the last few years. Seriously, mental health, physical health, friendships and other relationships, work, the list goes on. I really needed to start putting some of these pillars back up, so that the pressure is off while I work on some other aspect of my life.

The biggest deadline per se, would be November. I push to do a brilliant review. Unfortunately it's gotten to the point where I can't just do a decent one, or a good one. For me, it really needs to be brilliant to the point that they need to ask me why I'm only doing a  Masters. I don't think it will pan out that way. I think I should be able to do just good enough that they'll pass me, but probably no more than that. I've been working towards this for so long, that I don't really know when I stopped having the motivation. I really wish I can go talk to the 2nd year me, because he seemed to have it going for him. Motivation despite all the failures, a pretty damn good attitude if I do say so myself, and definitely a lot less of pining for boys. I don't even know what kind of boyfriend I could be, much less to what kind of boy. 

There are times where it's figuratively hard to breathe because of the amount of weight on my chest, but the fact that at times, they manifest into physically weights scare me.